Talking in the canteen yesterday about pets and the likes, one girl known for confusing her words came out with this in front of six or seven of us: ‘My cousin has a few birds but isn’t allowed keep them in the house, so he built an actuary out the back for them.

’A few weeks ago walking past the statue of ‘Phil Lynott’ I noticed an American couple. The wife (I presume) said, ‘Quick, George, take a photo of me beside Michael Jackson!’

Sitting in the bog in a city-centre pub after a few scoops, ... Read morethe bloke in the next cubicle says, ‘Howya, how’s it goin’?’ to which I reply, ‘Ah, not too bad!’ Then he says, ‘Sorry!’ and I say again, ‘Not too bad!’ Then he says, ‘Listen I’ll ring you back, there’s some lunatic in the jacks next to me!’ I cringed — and waited till he left!